Love Lesson 101: Googly Eyes

People are always blinded by love it seems. Or so they think.

Honestly, people in love are the worst pain in the ass kind of people. They are giggly, irrational, whiny, suspicious, & all those bad vibes. Even their voice seems to be an octave higher. I mean what is the issue with thaaat?

So what is so bad about all these right? I mean they are in love, let them enjoy this feeling of temporary euphoric. Right?


When they are in a situation that resembled what I’ve described above, slapped them to reality. Make sure you slapped them hard because 1) They are annoying and need to be shaken out of their oh-life-is-finally-falling-into-place-i’m-so-happy-i-can-die and also, 2) Slapping is really quite a fun activity. I wish I could do it all the time.

So my whole point is actually just stop being so idiotic and fucking irritating-ly mushy when you find another person who loves you. Just be a normal cool-yeah-i-know-you-love-me-i-love-you-too-but-let’s-not-call-each-other-strawberry-marshmallow kind of person. Stop pissing me off or I will curse you with five thousand years of bad luck (that’s right, you won’t even be able to find love in the after-life). Just be in love without all those nonsense shit streaming out of you. I would hate to hurt you..

Thank you for your understanding.

Doctor Love,


Pet Peeve #015 – Chewing Gum

You know this weird thing called chewing gum? You do?! Very good.

Well, just so you know, I fucking hate it. I mean it’s all fine if you chew for like 5 minutes and then spit it out (in a bin of course!). But if you continue chewing it and chewing it some more, i will punch you in your reproductive organ & ensure it will just be an organ and nothing more. It’s like even when I am not looking at you, I can see your tiny annoying jaw moving and moving and moving and moving annndd moooovvvinnnnggg. Oh my god. It is the most annoying thing (not ever, but still very much annoying).

So, stop it.

Just stop it.

Stop fucking chewing.

I Need You To Stop Chewing Gum,